Written by Laura Burns
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/sumners
City rents are bloated.
It’s shameful as hell.
Why not sign a lease
for this ogre’s lapel?
Come live in my pocket;
it’s spacious and clean,
and my blazer’s lining’s
a pleasing sateen.
The thermostat’s stuck
at 98.6 degrees,
but no neighbors to deal with
(not counting the fleas).
Make yourself at home:
mi chest hair es su lawn.
No TV, but sometimes
my phone breast-dials my mom.
Pets and smoking allowed—
but out of respect,
please avoid leaving butts
and cat litter on my pecs.
I care about my tenants,
will never raise rent exorbitantly,
give unexpected bear hugs,
or sleep on my belly.
Please consider my offer
to make a fresh start
nextdoor to my armpit
and close to my heart.
***
Laura Burns is a writer, comedian, and human being. Previous publications include The Rumpus and Funny not Slutty. She has performed improv, sketch, musical comedy, and stand-up at many venues including Boston’s House of Blues and the touring Stripped Stories series. With sketch group Friends of Gertrude, Laura has acted on a variety of strange and wonderful stages such as Strand Theatre and The Calderwood Pavilion (Boston); The Gaslight Theatre (St. Louis); and the 2010 and 2012 Philly Sketchfests. FoG was a 2015 finalist in iO West‘s LA Scripted Comedy Festival Video Pilot Competition. Website: itsmelau