by David Mogolov
Photo: © Depositphotos.com/londondeposit

• Our headboard is split down the middle, and she can’t stop thinking about the symbolism there.
• These pillowcases are from a hospital’s “used sheets” sale.
• I accidentally set the DVR to record “New Episodes and Repeats” of Law & Order, and it filled the entire hard drive.
• A coworker keeps saying “hashtag” in conversation.
• Our town museum’s lost and found still hasn’t called with news of her missing bottle of vanilla extract, and it’s definitely the last place she saw it.
• Ello just isn’t taking off.
• Recovered childhood memory of soggy fish sticks.
• Too much brand awareness.
• She’s so tired of our arguments about whether Battlestar Galactica made any sense, because goddammit, it clearly didn’t.
• I haven’t disavowed non-butter spreads.
• I want kids, but she wants Ewoks.
• Ever since she drove her car down the train tracks, she’s been on the town’s shitlist.
• Can’t I just *say* I’m OK with the 21 Jump Street reboot, even if I’m not?
• It wasn’t OK that I reply-alled “Nope” to her sister’s pregnancy announcement.
• Apparently, deli ham isn’t OK in bed.
• There’s no statement in the credits saying that no Oompa Loompas were harmed in the making of the movie, which is basically a clear statement that Oompa Loompas were harmed.
• It’s too hard to find a reliable blade sharpener.
• Her Kickstarter for “Original Field Recordings of My Neighbors Doing It” got reported and banned.
• When the kiss cam focused on us at Citi Field, I got stage fright and threw up.
• Neighbors are talking about how she takes the goldfish for a walk.
• “Tears are just my body’s way of removing demonic possession.”
• Can’t figure out exactly what a millennial is.