Sign Here, by Mike Zakarian

Written by Mike Zakarian
Photo: © pressmaster

Hi, I’m Daryl Specter. It was at a very young age that I learned the importance of fine print. In my 8th year of life, my dad caught me stealing Annie’s Mac and Cheese from a Costco. After the incident, my father sat me down to determine the ground rules of my punishment. He placed a document in front of my young eyes and said, “You will be grounded for one full week. Sign here if you agree to the terms.” ‘Not so bad’ I thought. I signed my little John Hancock and gave it right back.

Two weeks later my father came up the stairs to my bedroom and yelled ”It’s time for my bi monthly foot rub.” I protested. That is—until my father brought out the signed document from the Annie’s Incident. There in the fine print it stated “I hereby agree to give my father bi-monthly foot rubs. The terms of this agreement will last for one year.” He could have easily made it weekly. He’s a reasonable man.

From that day forward I began slipping things into the fine print. It started small. In high school I needed to get my report card signed by my parents. At the bottom of the card, I added that every breakfast from then on would be served with a cinnamon Pop Tart. Under my father’s tutelage I, too, learned to be reasonable. I could have asked for the more expensive frosted blueberry. I didn’t. It’s the proudest my father has ever been of me. He rustled my hair and we got in the car and headed to Costco.

So naturally a career in Real Estate was the only option. So many signed documents! The paperwork is endless and overwhelming. The stress is high and the deadlines are real. Nobody has time for the fine print.

And this is how I ended up with 3.4 million Twitter followers. When they sign, they agree that they’ll follow me, and that they’ll get 10 of their friends to follow me by the end of their first month. If they don’t, they lose their condo. They’re also required to like 35% of my tweets. No requirement on retweets though. I’m a reasonable man.

“Alright Daryl, we are signed and ready to go.”

Well, would you look at that. Daryl “Fine Print” specter strikes again.



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Mike Zakarian lives, writes, and performs in New York City. You can catch him performing with Physically Bold Comedy, 94th Street, and Midy Zevlin. Mike is also the creator of Humans of Higher Ed which you can find at  You can also find his awful impression of Mark Wahlberg on the internet if you look hard enough.
Find Mike on twitter @MikeZakarian