Tootely toot, by JR Walsh

Photo: ©
Written by JR Walsh

Dear reader,

Forgive the self-promotion here, but congratulations are in order. I’ve sold my name! A very important  corporation of literary products has purchased my name, JR Walsh, to adorn a fleet of very important books. A fleet! Adorn! Look at me – already comfortable with such industry jargon. I got paid; don’t worry, Mom. Not quite enough to buy you that house on the hill, though.

Here’s some quick backstory: Once upon a time, there lived a complex algorithm. Contractually, we can call them Al. After dog years of crunching analysis, Al discovered that JR Walsh, with the very pair of initials, the lack of periods, and the five-letter last name that is Irish in Ireland but generically American in the rest of the universe (save maybe Boston) gives just enough authority and sincerity across several key demographics of consumers to be clearly absorbed into the soul material reserved for written communication. In other words, it’s a name ripe for a new age. JR Walsh is the guru no one knew they needed but soon won’t be able to live without. (OprahBot endorsement pending.)

We know what you’re probably thinking (because gurus do and we’ll tell you): You are certainly wondering, “Aren’t gurus supposed to have three names?” Well, that’s for those other gurus, the ones trying to bury their manslaughter charges. A three-name adoption regularly happens minutes prior to crossing that fine line into cult leader. No fear of that here. The contract with JR Walsh prohibits it. If you can’t trust corporate contract law, what can you trust? Let’s talk about trust and what the universe needs from you.

Dear lifeblood consumer friend, you likely don’t like joining cults, but amazing research shows that you are 72 percent inclined to love judging them. Since this world needs both judges and joiners, the incorporated publishing corporations are offering the following opportunity for the world.

The Contest:

Help us help you! Design the forthcoming fleet of self-help books by JR Walsh! Next Summer’s Top Ten Nonfiction Bestsellers List has already been calculated and shipped to eReaders and wherever books are sold, such as coffee shop bathrooms and Airbnbs lacking other amenities. We’ve selected the above photograph by measuring the telekinetic response of several important, highly connected, and influential people who may or may not be literate.

By designing these future classics, you become an integral part of our post-gig economy. Congratulations! You may already be a winner! Your living allowance will be adjusted accordingly by our post-government Benevolence Consortium. If you wish to attend the non-mandatory summer retreat at an undisclosed location well, well off the grid, please RSVP. Plus ones are welcome, but they will be expected to cook in the utopian style.

Entries may be posted on the Out-Of-Stock Facebook page. Titles have been algorithmically generated in the same manner as the content of each book. Photo may be modified or cropped, but titles must remain as written. All books have been “dreamed” by guru JR Walsh.




How a Blog About Saltines
Changed the World
(And It’s Not How You Think)

Incredibly Long Book Titles
that Look Like They Have Subheads
but Actually Don’t

Don’t Make Me Use this Plow:
Verbally Dominating your Field
“You’re Bad Dirt, Very Bad,
Filthy, Dirty, Dirty Dirt”

Personifying People:
A Sociopath’s Guide

Ing-ing Your Titles:
Gerunding Everything

Mansplaining Mansplained:
A Man’s Manual
Second Edition
with All New Manecdotal Evidence

When Love Isn’t Adding Up:
Converting Your Old Adding Machine
Into a Pleasure Device

Abacus & Finch:
Harper Lee’s Secret Consumerism

Ayn Rand: The Progressive Feminist
A Picture Book

Garbanzo Beans Unleashed:
The Physics of Making Your Pants
Go Tootely Toot


Before the corporate buyout of his name, JR Walsh was born in Syracuse, New York and lived in Boise, Idaho. He received his MFA in Creative Writing from Boise State University, where he taught  English as a Second Language. He was the winner of the 2009 Esquire Fiction Contest. His poetry and fiction are in Alice Blue, Juked, Alba, The Rumpus, and B O D Y. He was delighted to be this issue’s guest editor of Out of Stock.